It’s day five of my new sobriety. I feel emotionally flat. I imagine my dopamine levels are adjusting to the new environment in my brain and my bloodstream. I am sleeping better, waking more easily and with a clear head. Those are the positives.
I find myself firmly rooted in my present experience. My man is supportive, although he tends to downplay my “problem”. But I know. I know how I looked forward to my escape every night. How I depended on it for a multitude of purposes. How I felt it made situations more interesting. How it made ME more interesting.
“You were able to quit meat,” he says. “So quitting drinking shouldn’t be a problem…”
“Yeah, but meat didn’t get me HIGH.” I reply, sadly.
He nods, thoughtfully. I know he tries to understand. He doesn’t drink. Or do anything that takes his mind out of the banality of daily life. He is content living his days set to “medium”. I admire that. And I am shamed by that.
I need to look beyond the boredom and find what else is in there. I need to be curious. Why do I seek escape? What am I running from? I refuse to simply replace it with another addiction. I am careful to avoid that trap.
I think I keep trying to lose myself. To quiet my own voice. My own needs and desires. I don’t understand why.
For the moment, I am just here. Being. Grateful to be. I am also grateful to have a busy work week ahead…keeping me distracted from the dreaded state of doing nothing.
I am beginning to see things more clearly when it comes to the OM. How one-sided our relationship is. How he never really asks me about me. How he seems most interested in my attention…on being seen, on being heard. He needs so much, but he doesn’t realize he’s the only one who can make himself feel better.
I remember what that was like, feeling invisible–even to myself. I’ll never go back there. I know no man can validate my self-worth. Only I can do that for me. And I have done that for myself over the time we were apart. I dug into my work, into my art, into my desires–realizing in the end that he had nothing to offer me.
Am I ready to let go of EVERYTHING that longer serves me?