It’s day 13 of my new sobriety. It seems like longer and I guess that’s a good thing. I’ve made it through the toughest moments when I would normally want to drink. I’ve been through almost all the usual scenarios: weekends, long workdays, exhaustion, celebration, sexual activity. All but emotional despair. But, that’s okay. I’ll deal with that another day.
Here’s the thing… I’ve never been an addict before. Never even used recreational drugs. But, I never realized how pernicious a habit alcohol can be. Yes, there is alcoholism in my family. My father and my uncle. Complications from their addictions contributed to their deaths.
But not me. My role was the codependent. The caretaker. My first husband was an addict. I was secretly repelled by his “weakness” but ever hopeful that he would “grow out of it”. He never did. I outgrew him.
Yes, life has returned to normal, but better somehow. Regular sexual activity has resumed. For the first week I felt numb. No desire whatsoever. Almost a pre-sexual state. It’s amazing how adaptable we are.
I just deal with the present moment. That’s what I do. I am surprised that I actually like the lack of drama and excitement. It’s restful. Not boring, as I had feared it would be. I just feel quiet and soft when I am not working.
One thing that has really helped me in the past couple weeks is stumbling upon this article “What I Do For Fun (Now that I’m Sober)”. I actually typed in a Google search: “what to do for fun now that i’m sober”.
I kind of don’t need that now, since I have uncovered many of my own long-hidden desires and interests. I think, if we just keep showing up and keep listening to our minds and our hearts, this can happen for all of us. My journal has been my favorite tool for exploration.
I feel this addiction went hand-in-hand with the other unhealthy habit in my life, my connection with MB. Now, they are both stripped away–I feel so much more connected to myself.
And that’s a very good thing.