Things are getting real at work and I am realizing I have more responsibility in my position than anticipated. Not over people, thank goodness. I am the worst manager. But over my little division. Much of this stuff I understand, but I’ve never done it before. They brought back the girl I replaced who moved to another department for an hour to help me get up to snuff, but it’s still more complicated than I expected. It’s not that I can’t do the work, but my mind has gotten so lazy and my spirit so rebellious that I just want to say “Fuck this! This is not what I signed up for! And for this money??? Really??”
But it didn’t. Instead, I took a fifteen minute break. I sat outside and checked my social media on my phone for about 2 minutes, then I put it away. I just did nothing but breathe for the balance of the time. I looked up at the trees. I asked them to share some of their wisdom and strength. I hope they are still listening.
I took a second break in the afternoon. All I can do is stay in the moment. The urge to run is deeply embedded in my character, I realize. This is a personality trait. Things get too challenging, I do a quick cost-benefit analysis in my head and if I can drop the responsibility ball I will. I don’t mind moving on. In fact, I like moving on. Maybe there is something better, more comfortable around the corner. One never knows.
I never realized how sensitive I am to overwhelm. Maybe the drinking was medicating my anxiety. Now I am sober there is nowhere to run from my truth. One of which is my uncertainty about this job. My sense of duty which comes from my strict inner parent, tells me I’d better fucking make this work. Everything is riding on this. When I tell myself this I feel the burden, like a rock sitting on my heart.
There has to be some middle ground. There has to be some compromise. Balance. I don’t HAVE to make this work. I WANT to make this work. I have the desire and the intention to stay in this job. I WILL do my best. My best is always changing.
I took an extra half hour of sleep last night and packed up all my good things for myself. I am going to take a deep cleansing breath and dive back in today–leaving yesterday behind. What’s the worst that could happen? I get fired? I have never gotten fired. So, to me, if that happened I would see it as divine intervention.
I will be kind and patient with myself today. Give myself everything I need to succeed. And I won’t forget to breathe.