I find myself compartmentalizing my life’s activities, out of necessity now I am back in the 9 to 5 groove. Now, the time I mark as FREE becomes very, very precious. I need to fix my thinking to realize that ALL time is free. Every moment is mine, even the moments when I am engaged in paid work.
I am fulfilling a function that is important to me–being of service to others. AND I’m getting paid. There’s no reason to see my work as some form of imprisonment, although it is my default setting to believe so. Perhaps this culture has embedded this into my mind.
But, what to do with the spaces where the choices are all mine? And now the spaces have shrunk down to these few hours we call the weekend. I must become selective, I feel. To get the most bang for my buck, so to speak. But, at the same time there are things that must be done: chores, cleaning, shopping.
I need to get out of the mindset that the only valuable time is the time I spend alone, lost in my own pursuits. That’s the child in me–always crying for something fun to do. I must try to entertain her in some way every day. I will try to work on that this week.
So, I got through my Saturday client date and then stopped at the mall looking for clothes for work. After that, I drove out further west to spend some time with the joy of my life, my little two-year old granddaughter. I brought her a small toy replica of a tortoise, placed in the tin box my Fossil watch came in. She loves to open and close things. And she loves turtles. We just hung out for an hour and a half, playing–talking to her toys, to the sky through her window, while she ate the raisins from the little box I brought. I can’t stop staring at her sweet little face. And smiling when I am with her. The time we share brings me peace and restores my sense of balance and simplicity.
I get home and unpack my car, then go back out with my man for more shopping–picking up just a couple pieces. I feel so marginalized at the stores–not young, but not yet old. Nothing seems to fit my style sensibilities anymore. I’ll have to keep looking online.
After dinner he made the mistake of handing me the remote. On a whim, I chose the musical “Chicago” and old favorite of mine. He sat right there and watched it all the way through with me. I would have changed it if he didn’t like it, but he enjoyed it, too. Incredible photography, choreography, costumes, performances–the whole package.
I collapsed into bed, exhausted, but thoroughly happy–mumbling something before I drifted off about Catherine Zeta-Jones being my “type” and how I wasn’t into skinny girls.
And here I am again. Another Sunday morning.
Sober and grateful.
“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time—past and future—the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.” –Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now)