Well. I’ve decided I really hate this job. The place is so disorganized, with so many newly hired people–it’s like the blind leading the blind in my department. The work is piling up on my desk and in my inbox and half of the stuff– I don’t even know what to do with it!

I may or may not finish out the week. I will see how my Wednesday goes. Everything depends on my mood. Fuck.

I wish I were more like I used to be. I used to be so committed. I used to have something to prove to myself and to others.

Now, I seem to care so much about whether I am comfortable. Whether the job is a good fit. Since when did that ever matter before?

Since I started working for myself.

I am realizing that I can’t simply turn back the clock. I have this job now, similar to what I was doing before and all the benefits I had before, albeit for a little less pay.

The missing element is that gung-ho attitude. That can-do, go-to girl that has simply left me. There are other jobs out there and I know it. I had health insurance for nine years and we never even used it.

I just can’t seem to get it up for the game. The facade doesn’t shield my identity anymore. It’s just a cheap, plastic mask.

The job I held before in this field I did for ten years and I never even liked the job. In fact I would spend the weekends bitching about the job. What the fuck am I doing back in this field? Some kind of self-punishment? Am I doing penance for being “bad” girl? For squandering my free time–allowing myself to become the devil’s plaything?

Or am I way too hard on myself?

I am feeling lost at the moment. I know I will figure this out by the weekend, but in the moment I am at loose ends. Fuck.